Category Archives: On the Road

Two Gentleman of Beaver

Spent the night in Beaver, which is something I’ve always wanted to say.

In the morning, I headed over to the Daughters of the Utah Pioneers’ Museum, which takes up three floors and the basement of the old Beaver County Courthouse. When I say “morning” I really mean 11am as that’s when they open. I was hoping to finally see firsthand my fourth great grandmother’s sewing basket which according to family records and a photo I discovered recently was donated to the museum, but, no, the two women volunteers there had never heard of it. They were able to find the names of my ancestors in Monuments to Courage: A History of Beaver County, but I told them I already have that and, well, I was hoping to find new information. Nothing doing. Nice ladies. Friendly as all get-out, but no catalog of the antiquities on display. No catalog even of the photos. One woman apparently keeps all the information in her noggin but she was out today. Try back later in the week, I was told.

I did see a picture of the famous Field Social Hall on the wall near the entry and asked about it. They didn’t seem to know anything about it so I told them what little I knew. Thanks, they said, we’ve been trying to figure out what that was. Imagine!

The building is quite amazing, though, I have to say. And certainly worth a look the next time you’re in Beaver (there I go again). You can go right up behind the clock tower and see how it works. Also, there are actual jail cells in the basement, which apparently remained in use until the mid 70s. Even some cool jail-related graffiti, though one of the volunteers has helpfully erased the naughty bits. Down in the dungeon, there exists a permanent display to one of Beaver’s most infamous sons, Butch Cassidy.

I asked the helpful museum matron about Cassidy. She told me, Beaver has two sons, one famous, one infamous. The famous son, she said, was Philo T. Farnsworth, the inventor of television. A bronze statue of Philo resides on the western side of the courthouse. And, I was told, he grew up in the adjacent (relocated) log cabin.

Now here’s an interesting bit of trivia to reward your reading patience: every state has two busts (this thing is shot through with double entendre, isn’t it?) in statuary hall, Washington DC. Do you know who represents Utah? If you guessed Butch Cassidy and Philo T. Farnsworth you’re only half right. Philo is there, flanked by Utah’s first territorial governor, Brigham Young.

The Flim Flam Man

Finally got to check out the Utah Shakespeare Festival last night so crossing that off my “Puck”et list.

Hard to believe the festival is celebrating its fiftieth anniversary this year. Last time I tried to attend, I was still a teenager. Scored some free tickets at the last minute and hopped in a car with my g-friend and we tried to beat the clock, racing down I-15 like, well, like two teenagers. We didn’t make it. Must have been half way down to Cedar City before it finally dawned on us that there was no way in hell we ever would. Ah, impetuous youth. Shakespeare probably has a quote about that. How about this one?:

“Crabbed age and youth cannot live together:

Youth is full of pleasure, age is full of care;

Youth like summer morn, age like winter weather;

Youth like summer brave, age like winter bare.”

That’s another thing we didn’t have back then: the internet. But I digress.

So I had to choose between Romeo and Juliet and The Music Man. There were more (and better) seats for the latter and I’ve never seen it before, though I do remember perhaps catching part of a Matthew Broderick television adaptation years ago.

‘Twas an enjoyable night of theater. The crowd was ecstatic. Don’t think I’ve ever witnessed such an appreciative crowd before. Lots of memorable songs. I think my favorite was “Wells Fargo Wagon”:

O-ho the Wells Fargo Wagon is a-comin’ down the street,

Oh please let it be for me!

O-ho the Wells Fargo Wagon is a-comin’ down the street,

I wish, I wish I knew what it could be!

The story, if you don’t know it, is about a traveling salesman who goes by the nom de guerreProfessor Harry Hill.” Hill ends up conning the entire town into buying instruments and uniforms for a boys’ band that will never be. There’s a moment, late in the final act, after he’s been arrested, where he’s about to get tarred and feathered. Suddenly, and perhaps because I’ve spent the entire day looking at Mormon sites, I’m thinking, hey, this guy is Joseph Smith. Then in comes the boys’ band, marching down the aisles in their shining new uniforms.

Someone hands the phony professor the baton. What would you do? Play along, of course! Fake it till you make it. Harry Hill hams it up. The kids respond with what can only be called noise since they’ve never actually learned how to play their instruments, having been taught Harry Hill’s revolutionary new “think” system. They stink! But the townsfolk are none the wiser and end up embracing both Harry and his music.

Is it better to maintain your illusions at any cost so long as they keep you feeling elated?

Hey, this was just a night of light musical Americana so sorry to be so heavy handed. I probably should have tried to catch the matinee of The Glass Menagerie instead.

Blow out your candles, Laura.

 

Whither Goest Thou?

Mountain Meadows Massacre memorial

It seemed like an inspired idea: take a month off and travel from San Francisco to New York City, mostly by car, with pit-stops along the way at all of the major Mormon historical sites. Maybe even sell a couple of books along the way. Arrive in New York and take in the Tony Award winning musical, The Book of Mormon. This book, this book, this book can save your life!

The only fly in the ointment so far? The Mormons. Since they own and operate most of these historical sites, anyone who stops by for a tour can expect to be subjected to faith-promoting stories and, if yesterday is any evidence, these old men and women won’t let you alone without placing a copy of the Book of Mormon, bearing their testimony and exhorting you to read 3 Nephi.

Yesterday, I was in St. George. I learned recently that I’m related to Erastus Snow. He’s like a fourth great uncle. Since then I’ve read Maureen Whipple’s extraordinary novel, The Giant Joshua, about the hardships of polygamist wives during the founding of what was then known as the “Dixie Mission.” [Note: the word “Dixie” with all of its unsettling connotations is still prevelant here: e.g. Dixie College, with a big “D” (no, not for “Douche” on the side of a red rock mountain.) I was told it’s because most of the 300 original Mormon settlers were originally from the south and came here to grow cotton (some supposedly even had slaves).

So I went to see Brigham Young’s Winter Home, the St. George Temple (well, the visitor’s center), the Tabernacle (there’s a bronze bust of Erastus outside) and the Jacob Hamblin Home. Also stopped by the Daughters of the Utah Pioneers’ Museum which has, among other artifacts, Erastus Snow’s Nauvoo Legion uniform. Great stuff, by and large. I learned some interesting tidbits about tick mattresses, rolling pins stored on top to flatten the mattress and kill bed bugs, and why Brigham’s house is painted green (they ordered white paint to paint the St. George Temple, constructed out of sandstone, but when they opened it, found out it was green and couldn’t return it). I also learned, according to one of the helpful missionary tour guides at the Jacob Hamblin Home, where the phrase “tying the knot” comes from: the box springs on old pioneer beds where intersecting lines of rope and you had to tie the knot tighter when it was a marriage bed. Interesting story, even if it’s just an old wives’ tale. But to get to these facts, I had to endure a lot of sermonizing.

On one hand, I can sort of understand this compulsion. If someone walks into a furniture store, you’re going to try to sell them a dinette set. On the other hand, just because you’re interested in history, doesn’t mean you should have to listen to these guys prattle on about the prophets and their supposed prognostications. And just try to stop one of these guys once they start winding up for the pitch. Damn near impossible. Nicest people on earth, though. So self-assured they come off as a little smug, but otherwise they’re like kindly, doting grandparents and since they’ve been “called to serve” in these places, they’re here to save souls first and foremost and their eyes glisten mischievously whenever they find out you’re “not a member.” Inform Lord Vader, our first catch of the day!

I don’t mean to sound ungrateful. I think it’s fantastic that the Mormons are interested in preserving the past and I applaud their efforts, including the not insignificant amount of money that probably goes into running and maintaining these sites (I was told that many of the sites in St. George, because of the heat, have to be repainted every ten years). However, I suspect at the same time, they are all-too-often whitewashing history, dumbing it down to the lowest common denominator and, in the process, leaving out any inconvenient truths in order to make everything in their worldview coalesce. It’s probably money well spent. Since they own the sites, they can attempt to make people believe whatever they want about them while brushing aside any apocrypha.  But should they do this?

Now I imagine there are a certain number of people–perhaps even the majority of their visitors–who already believe all this stuff lock stock and barrel. If that’s true, all the more reason, say I, to tone down the proselytizing efforts. I mean, really, why preach to the converted? As one of the old elders told me, these sites give contemporary church members much-needed perspective on how much our ancestors had to sacrifice in order to give us a better life. Okay. I get that. And, yes, they can believe an elementary school version of history with good guys and bad guys, if that’s what they want. But do they need to foist these beliefs on others?

As I left the Jacob Hamblin Home, I told the elder who was stationed there that I was heading to Mountain Meadows next and asked if he knew how to get there. “All the roads are well-marked,” he said, repeated nearly verbatim the line I’d heard from the elder who lead the tour at the Tabernacle (sounded suspiciously like a talking point, as I heard critique in the past about how difficult it is to find this place). Then he elaborated, said he’d never been there, had no desire to go, said it was awful what happened there, but (oh, oh, I thought, here we go, thought I), but, he could sort of understand it, given how Missourians had slaughtered our prophet, etc.

Well, I couldn’t wait to see who they had proselytizing at the Mountain Meadows Massacre memorial site. I thought, even for the Mormons, it’s going to be difficult to spin the brutal murder of 157 settlers from Arkansas (including women and children–and after they’d surrendered) into a faith-promoting story.

Imagine my surprise when I got to the memorial site to find it completely deserted. How refreshing. I was left, at last, to my own thoughts, able to reach my own conclusions about this difficult chapter in American and Mormon history.

But give it another one hundred years. These Mormons are nothing if not patient. They already own the land and they’ve constructed the official memorial on the site, dedicated by Ezra Taft Benson on September 11, 1999, a kind of awkward mea culpa. Soon enough, I’m sure there will be a missionary quonset out there with a referral card (featuring a pristine photo of the rock pile) and some elders wet behind the ears asking people where they’re from, eager to place a Book of Mormon.

I think at my next stop, I will tell the missionaries I’m from Provo just so they don’t urge me to read 3 Nephi.

Old Mormon Fort

20110810-110929.jpg

Contrary to what Barry Levinson would have you believe, Las Vegas wasn’t founded by Bugsy Seigel. It was founded by a group of Mormons sent out to colonize the west by Brigham Young in 1855.

It would be nearly 100 years until Mormons fell in love with slot machines and a few years after that before they decided to make Mesquite the Mormon Vegas since it required less driving.

But back to the fort. Little remains of the original structure. There is a nice museum there, just a few miles north of the strip.

Also features some groovy remnants from the Neon Boneyard which, if I’m not mistaken, would be a great name for a band.

I decided to become a Friend of the Fort (also a good name for a band) in order to get the cool map of the Mormon westward migration, since in the next month, Brother Funk and I will basically be following that map in reverse, from Salt Lake to Palmyra and all points in between.

Road trip!!!

Whoo-hoo, 30 days of travel from Sutter Creek, Ca to New York City.

 

 

1. San Francisco>Sutter Creek

 

131 miles, 2 ½ hours

 

2. Sutter Creek>Reno

 

137 miles, 3 hours

 

3. Reno>Salt Lake

 

518 miles, 8 hours

 

4. Salt Lake>Ogden/Bountiful/Logan/Orem/Provo

 

5. Salt Lake>St. George (Nephi, Manti, Beaver, Mountain Meadows, Enoch, Cedar City)>Salt Lake

 

304 miles, 4 hours 45 mins down

304 miles, 4 hours 45 mins back

 

6. Salt Lake>Fort Bridger, WY

 

116 miles, 2 hours

 

7. Fort Bridger>Alcova, WY

 

266 miles, 4 hours, 20 mins

 

8. Alcova>Chimney Rock

 

230 miles, 4 hours

 

9. Chimney Rock>Omaha

 

432 miles, 7 hours

 

10. Council Bluffs>Independence, Mo

193 miles, 3 hours 18 minutes

 

11. Independence, MO>Keokuk, IA

243 miles, 4 ½ hours.

 

12. Keokuk, IA>Nauvoo, IL

14.9 miles, 24 mins

 

13. Nauvoo, IL>Chicago, IL

272 miles, 4 hours 37 mins

 

14. Chicago>Flint, MI

274 miles, 4 hours 44 mins

15. Flint, MI>Kirtland, OH

248 miles, 4 hours

 

16. Kirtland, OH>Kane, PA

161 miles, 3 hours

 

17. Kane, PA> Oakland, PA

239 miles, 4 hours

 

18. Oakland, PA> S Royalton, VT

274 miles, 5 hours

 

19. S Royalton>Waterloo, NY

292 miles, 6 hours

 

21. Waterloo, NY>Palmyra, NY

27 miles, 34 mins

 

22. Palmyra> New York

294 miles, 5 ½ hours